Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children is not exactly filled to the brim with talking points, so we reviewed the latest Tim Burton film in the style of one of the director’s own poems.
There was a director
Whose films were quite good,
With big hair and big eyes
And a love for Ed Wood.
But some time ago
Ol’ Tim lost his step
When he followed the money
And followed Johnny Depp.
Though his latest film isn’t
A total disaster
It still is a pity
It couldn’t end faster.
So if you have a minute
I’ll help you get filled in
On Miss Peregrine’s Home
For Peculiar Children.
A director like Tim
With such imagination
Would once have been wasted
On YA adaptations.
Miss Peregrine is about children
With peculiar powers
Who spend an eternity
Looping the same hours.
Evil Peculiars want to eat them,
And to live forever,
In a film like this one,
That’s a pyrrhic endeavour.
How can Asa Butterfield
Make these villains relent
When he’s too busy fighting
His bad Yank accent?
Eva Green’s vamping
As their matriarch is matched in
The marvelous mugging
Of Samuel L. Jackson.
In the moments of tedium,
Exposition and strife,
Miss Peregrine has occasional
Moments of life.
Skeletons fighting monsters
Does strike a nice chord,
More is the pity
Tim’s direction is bored.
The trappings are neat
But the details are not.
Could we look at the film
Without hearing the plot?
So I don’t recommend
(It’s 999,999 in a million)
Miss Peregrine’s Home
For Peculiar Children.